Hullo. [05 Nov 2006|06:45pm] [ mood | calm ] 50% of marriages end up in divorce; I've always been lucky in that both of my parents have been together, even if they weren't, well, close. This month, although it's only been five days into it, has been very.. life changing? I guess. My father, who has supposedly been going to AA Meetings for the past eight or nine weeks, has been lying to my mother & I, in that he's been drinking the whole time. Prior to this, he'd been sober for 20-odd years.. My parents met in a NA meeting, so- I guess that makes sense. My father is a manic depressive, but.. He had randomly fallen off the wagon this summer. Upon him coming home drunk, many things were said and decided that are going to effect how I live, the most prominent being the divorce that is inevitably going to happen, but so many more things branch from that.. -My father is going to rehab for six days, then will continue going to an outreach program. Hopefully, he'll sober up.. But either way my mother is getting the divorce, no matter how much he begs for it. In a way, I feel bad.. He has nothing. He did this to himself.. He really did. -All respect has been lost; the things he's said to me in the past couple of days.. that I don't need him, that I don't care, that he's going to kill himself, ETC.. He's not the man I used to look up to; when I grow up- I want to be everything he isn't. I'm at a stage where I'm wondering, "Do I want things to be how they used to..?" or "Do I not want him in my life..?". That's the hardest aspect for me. -My family now has no money. That'll be fixed in time, though I want to scream at him. I want to punch him across the face.. I want him to suffer, I really do. I want him to tell me why he ruined our family, why he's doing this, but- that'd be selfish of me. I understand that people have these issues, but at this age, something like this can't help but fuck with me.. I'm torn between my paternal love & feelings of frustration. He raised me to be a good person.. And I am, but for the past year or two it just seems like the family is my mother and I.. And he is just, well, there. The only time he ever tells me he loves me is when he's drunk; he can never tell me I mean the world to him when he isn't fucked on alcohol & pills. I wish that one day he would tell me that he loved me when he was sober.. I really do. My mother tells me that she'll stay normal for me, but I need a father. This situation is fucked & I know that I'll pull through. I wish I was a kid again.. Right now I have too much responsibility. Maybe our family will end up being friends; we could all be together on holidays & enjoy ourselves. We could end up hating eachother.. My parents could become friends again, and I can end up cutting him out of my life.. I want to, but.. Am I ready to do that? post comment

Hey bro. [25 Oct 2006|09:09pm] [ mood | bitchy ] Hey, err- LJ kids. Well, nobody ever really reads this, but.. I don't really care. I miss my friends so fucking much; I mean, I still see & talk to Sean a lot, Alyssa is my best friend so I see her every week, but.. All my other friends have just, well, gone away. I want them back.. AJ is off at college doing whatever; he's never online, always busy. I saw him for about half-an-hour a month ago, but.. I miss just going absolutely insane with him. He's such a nice, honest person. Marcus is off at the same college, Mary is at Salem State.. And I know that I'll always be good friends with them & all of that, but.. I see them so rarely, that when I do see them, they're so different. Time moves way too fucking fast for me. AIDs has been around, but.. I just haven't seen him. I haven't seen anybody too often in our little group as of late; haven't seen Al, Zach, Matt, Costa, Sean Martell; they're like family. I want to arrange a little get together soon, I need to see them. I want them to meet Alyssa.. She's a vital person in my life, as are they, and I'd like her to know my friends. Heidi & Francisco- You think I'd just be happy knowing they moved back to Columbia & are doing well, or that they were my mother's friends, but.. I don't think I've ever met a group of people so absolutely fucking kind as they are, I miss them, they were like family; always back & forth between their place & my house, always out with them. My mother is going to see them, and I'll never see them again. I just kind of get freaked out from time to time.. Everything is going well, I'm just in the middle of change. <3B! post comment

CALLMEHWHENUSOBAR [09 Oct 2006|10:11pm] New "music" type thing; song, artist, album.. BAM!! That makes things a little bit more organized. Let's see.. I haven't even looked at this LJ in quite a while, so- There's obviously a lot going on, or there has been as of lately. School has been going well; not working to my full potential, but.. So much better than last year. I'm beginning to seriously look into college and, well, it's pretty scary. I just came back from Connecticut; only went for one night/two days, but it was pretty nice.. Very shitty hotel, but Mystic is a nice town. I saw the film "The Departed" last night. I recommend it greatly.. sosogood. Eh, I bought "Blood On The Tracks" by Zimmerman today.. Very, very nice. I don't know why I didn't own this before-hand. Alyssa Marie Maher. Oh g00dness.. She's been my life, my world, and my weekends (LOLZ) lately. I could go on & on for hours about her, saying all these cheesey things, but.. I say that stuff to her enough on the phone, so.. Let's just put it at: Things are perfect. 'Nuff said, you know? No problems, all good vibes.. We're perfect for eachother, and a "simple twist of fate" brought everything together. GOOD KARMA. post comment

School. [31 Aug 2006|01:48pm] [ mood | bored ] Ah- Nothing better than waking up early in the morning & heading off to Junior Orientation.. Well, on one hand it's always nice to see everyone I like, but just the thought of school- Drama, College Process, ETC makes me nervous. But, right now I know I have amazing friends, an amazing girlfriend, & more confidence in myself than ever before, so.. I think I'm ready to change things this time around. It seems like everytime I'm with or talk to Alyssa I realize more & more how much I like her.. We've only been dating since the 17th, but.. It feels much longer than that. We have so much in common, it's like.. WE R PERFECTZ!! Or something very close to that, it's odd. Her family is very protective & my only fear is that they'll end up disliking me, but I hope in time they'll grow to like me, 'cause I know that I have good intentions & I'm a nice kid in general. <3 1 comment|post comment

One week left. [28 Aug 2006|10:03pm] [ mood | contemplative ] School begins officially on September 6th, though I have a Junior Orientation on Thursday for whatever reason. I've "completed" one book of summer reading, but have yet to begin the other two, but.. Too much has been happening as of lately, & I've had no time or general interest to read them. Without trying to be "emo", a baby, wtfever.. Last week was the worst week of my entire life. It began one night when my father left the house, got drunk, came home shitfaced.. I carried him upstairs, he talks about how my mother is in love with another man, wants to fight me, & passes out on the floor. The next day was the proverbial "aftermath".. Everyone is shocked, we all spend the day crying. My father & sit down to talk about all of this.. He says I don't need him anymore. Says he's realized this since I hit the age of 15 or so.. Even though I've become more independent (Or more dependent on my mother, I guess), I love my father more than life itself.. And I would never lose my need for the paternal bond we share. Usually when depression surrounds me like this, I have multiple ways of getting rid of it.. Music, Poetry, General Venting.. But, for whatever reason, I had/still have this sense of helplessness. It's not a nice feeling to confirm all my thoughts on my parents staying together for me being true, but.. I know that this is all I have, & as a young adult I'll have to remain strong for them, myself, & my friends. I don't know what I would do without my friends.. Whether it be Sean; fuck, he's been my best friend since I was four.. He's always remained loyal to me, kind, dealt with my pissy attitude. He's one of my only friends who haven't changed drastically. He isn't some druggie fuck-up like the rest of us, and I love him for it. Other great friends are Alex Beskrowni, Laura Nagle.. I owe my life to them. I appreciate their friendships more than they will EVER know, even if I don't show it often. Alyssa has been away in Florida with her aunt & Julia for the past week.. She's coming home tonight. I'm happy to have her back; she's the sweetest and most beautiful girl.. I know I can't help such things, but I don't want to fall for her too hard. Last time was a wreck, but.. I want this to work. For once I'm happy with where I am, & hopefully things will get better <3 Well, err- Way too much emotion in that. I'm going to continue eating Weight Watchers ice cream. Shit's amazing. post comment

Summer finally gets exciting. [19 Aug 2006|12:29am] [ mood | tired ] Summer, although essentially over, is at it's high point: a) Snakes On A Plane. b) Yeah Yeah Yeahs with TV On The Radio last week. c) Rollins Band tomorrow with Mr. Mikey P. d) I started dating an amazing girl named Alysaa; we have so much in common that it's fucking crazy. Sweet & Beautiful girl.. "Good things come to those who wait", I guess :D! A lot of important things have happened, but I am WAY too fucking tired to go into it now. So, bee bee el. post comment

Survey #03..? [14 Aug 2006|10:30pm] [ mood | curious ] Hey, you. Answer this TRUTHFULLY, no "I don't know"s or wtfever. Be straight up with it! I'd greatly appreciate ANYTHING you have to say, whether it be positive or negative. kthx. Are we friends?: Do you know me well?: How did we meet?: What was your first impression of me?: What do you think of me now?: What do you like most about me?: What do you like least about me?: If you could change ONE thing about me, what would it be?: Anything that sticks out about me?: What would you want to know about me? (ASK 5 QUESTIONS & I'LL ANSWER!): Do we have anything in common?: Are we good friends?: Would you ever date me?: If you could say anything about me, it'd be...: 1 comment|post comment

Strong as I feel. [14 Aug 2006|03:08pm] [ mood | bored ] Worked today.. Slow day. Sometimes, when I have nothing to do & nobody is around, I go to an empty room to sit, think, & most likely sleep. I don't think I'll be working much longer, so it was nice to have some cash for the later part of the summer. Still no summer reading- Might change that soon. Today I read all the "Confessions Of Billy Corgan".. He's an interesting person, I think. The public perceives him as the biggest egomanical, douchebag that's been in the music business, but I believe he plays it off to some extent. He's a smart person, I believe, but makes bad choices that kind of led up to some sort of a career suicide. Seeing him live June 21st '05 at Avalon was the best night of my life. I'm back in the stage of listening to The Smashing Pumpkins constantly.. Whether that's good or bad, I'm not really sure, but there is something about them that I just click with ("Adore" being my favorite album, as stereotypical for a kid my age as it is..); hopefully they'll be in Boston sometime late this year/early next year. post comment

d0rchestor. [13 Aug 2006|11:58am] [ mood | awake ] Well, yesterday was supposed to be the great "LOL BLAZE IN DOT" day.. AIDs got sick apparently, so Mikey P met him at JFK and picked up half the weed. So, we took the T over to North Quincy & walked over to Tinean beach. We met up with Alyssa, Julia, & Axl and walked in a huge circle & smoked the worst weed ever. Later on we met up with Boss Man & walked all over Dot. rofl, I was wicked quiet for the first half of the day. I dunno.. Towards the end of the day it got pretty rad. Got some Mickey D's, packed a lip of Redman, took the T home with Mikey P. Nice. post comment

Oh.. Hey. [12 Aug 2006|12:34pm] [ mood | content ] I saw the YYY's thursday with AIDs, Sean, Al, Xena/Kathryn, Zach, Ally, Madre, Rob, Amy, Tons of people. They were really nice (As were TV On The Radio), but the sound quality fucking sucked. Thanks, FNX. Erm- Besides that, nothing has happened. Stayed in town until 11 last night with Sean, AIDs, Alex Blythe, Mikey P. Went home with Mike (Who was completely fucked) and made a MCM song called "Sleeping, Wading". Really nice, I think. Still no summer reading. I was supposed to meet up with AIDs, Alyssa, & her friend Julia, but.. I kind of lost Alyssa's number? And she hasn't been on. Crap. We bought about $50 worth of bud, & today would have been a nice day to blaze. Instead of StrummStock, our little outdoor show is going to be known as the "Magnificent Garage Jamboree".. Such an amazing name. Still looking for a nice girl, but- I guess I always am. WTFEVER. post comment

Err- [07 Aug 2006|12:12pm] [ mood | hungry ] I haven't done ANY summer reading; there are 3 weeks left in my summer vacation.. I hope to accomplish SOMETHING by the time September roles around. Whether it be start a film, write an amazing poem, wtfever. Lately I've been having all these odd feelings.. As if, I dunno, I want to just get all my shit together, go out of this place, & do whatever. I need my grades to be amazing this year- I want to go to UMass Boston, so I need a 3.0 GPA to get in without the sliding scale. College, Student Loans, ETC scare the fucking shit out of me. Life in general is just a little overwhelming.. But then I get so frustrated that I just shut everything out & continue to fuck up. I have amazing friends, I have a nice social life, but.. All these other things are just.. I'm not sure. This year should solve a lot of these questions. post comment

Hey there. [06 Aug 2006|05:46pm] [ mood | hopeful ] Well, this weekend was nice. Went to the Hatchshell on Friday with Sean, S. Mart, Nick Costa, Kelsey, Axl, Mikey P, Chris (Nick showed up too, but err- I don't like him). We would've been evicted from the place if it wasn't for Mr. Mikey P's smooth, smooth talking. We've decided for MCM that we're saving up $200 each to buy a Korg Synthesizer. I know- Very exciting. School is coming up.. Hopefully all of the proper changes will be made. Maybe find myself a nice girl.. THE WORKS. That's about it for now, really. post comment

Survey #02 [03 Aug 2006|05:27pm] [ mood | amused ] The last survey was just a stupid one.. I guess I'll throw in some "better" questions that actually give people the chance to answer ACTUAL questions rather than "AM I SEXY", "WOULD YOU DO ME", ETC. Your Full Name:: Nickname(s):: Age:: Height/Weight:: Eye Color/Hair Color:: -------------------------- How Did We Meet?:: What Was Your First Impression Of Me?:: What Do You Think Of Me Now?:: What Do You Like Most About Me?:: What Do You Like Least About Me?:: Have You Noticed Any Talents, Habits, ETC I Have?:: Do We Spend A Lot Of Time Together?:: Do You Know Me Well? If Not, Would You Want To?:: ------------------------- Would You Ever Hug Me?:: Would You Ever Kiss Me?:: Would You Ever Cuddle With Me?:: Would You Ever Go On A Date With Me?:: Would You Ever Go Out With Me?:: Would You Ever Go To Semi/Prom With Me?:: Now I need to delete the other one & hopefully have all my friends answer those :D. 4 comments|post comment

Odd way to start the morning. [03 Aug 2006|09:37am] [ mood | drained ] Err- I woke up with this HORRENDOUS pain in my back. Obviously another kidney stone (As I've been getting the pains from time to time) I get up & go to the kitchen to go get some water.. But when I stood up it just fucking got SO much worse. Honestly, I can't recall anything hurting more.. I couldn't breathe, it was hard to move, everything was blurred. I just took four advils & sat there. I appreciate that my dad was ready to take off of work to take me to the emergency room.. He's a good father. I don't have a huge issue with getting all these pains, but.. If they're ALWAYS like this I'm kind of fucked. In the end I passed out & my parents let me take of my work & sleep. dsojfhdsjfksdkfhsd. post comment

Oh, word? [02 Aug 2006|03:13pm] [ mood | discontent ] Hrmm. I hate those stupid little emoticons.. They make you look so sad :P. Today was a boring day at work.. I honestly hid in some random room & laid down for like 20 minutes because there was NOTHING to do. So, eh- I just sat there & thought. Haven't done that in a while. Yesterday I went to Al's house with Zach. We took some radical pictures, shot the shit, all that kind of stuff.. Turns of Al's little brother, Nick, told her mom that I was fucking with him, so she bitched me out. Kind of odd..? Since summer is almost over, I'm gonna keep up that "great search for true love". Well, not "true love", but some sort of relationship, because I haven't really been open to any until now, I guess. SO IF ANY LADIES WANT THIS PIECE, YOU LET ME KNOW. I'm glad to go back to school. Very odd.. I'm going to see Muse tonight, so that should be pretty fun. post comment

Poem 01: "Child Of The Winter Moon" [01 Aug 2006|09:24pm] [ mood | cynical ] Children move & grow as quickly as a silent forest's leaves; They interlock with words & identify with a maternal bond's hold. Their opinions grow easily for them as if it's as given as their innocence, And by the time they hit a fourteenth winter such idle hands are busy with choice. Cheesey name, decent poem. It just talks about the changes in growing up.. Just kind of self-explanitory. 1 comment|post comment

One more month. [01 Aug 2006|01:18pm] [ mood | busy ] Well, summer is coming to an end. When I think about it, it was pretty nice.. Made lots of new friends who aren't so, I dunno.. Pretentious? Or something. I've gotten shattered once, high once.. So, not a ton of crazy things going on. The 3 months went by SO fast (Especially with that Math Course & Work), but it was a nice rest & I'll be happy to see all my friends again. On the other hand, it had some pretty big downers.. A girl I knew, Elisa Santry, passed away earlier this month while she was at camp. I had never even liked her to much, but.. The fact that she was YOUNGER than I am blows my mind. The thought of a parent watching their child die before them crushes me. Two of my best friends, Heidi & Francisco, moved back to Columbia after about two years. I may never see them again, & that's fucked in that they were the most honest, nicest people I had ever met. Everything this year will be better.. All problems will be fixed, all burnt bridges will be rebuilt.. I'm going to change for the best this time. I'm tired of being so boring. post comment

A little of bit of a break.. Vacation. [08 Jul 2006|03:52pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Hey. Well- I've been on the Cape for a week.. Just got back home about, erm, 45 minutes ago? The Cape was a pretty nice break (Especially from the Algebra Course).. lots of good times down there with my mother, Natalia, & Sean. While I was down there, a lot of things came up in my mind, but I never REALLY had time to think about it at all.. I find it odd how I connected you get with someone, & how your paths just, I don't know.. Go different ways? Whether it's because you change (Garrett, Brooksie, All the kids I used to be friends with) or if they move away (Juan Pablo, Natalia, Eulalia).. Even such people like Peggy & Elen (Who lived with me) who moved away from the US after like a year when I was a child. What happens to everybody? I wish I could keep in touch with everybody, but.. Sometimes I just figure I can't. But I wish them the best with everything I have. These people you meet can either be nice, great finds, or even entirely change your life.. But just then go off into the proverbial unknown, I guess. It kind of reminds me of the last day Francisco was in Boston.. We were walking Downtown in the pouring rain, & he said how that my mother & his wife Heidi were such good friends (Because they were so similar), but when she left, everything would just be back to normal. I don't think he went it that way, but.. I just wish for one day I could spend time with these people. Fuck, even TEN MINUTES.. Just to see them again & just know what's been going on in their lives, & to tell them that I'll always care for them. Hopefully, I'll see them all again, no matter how hopeless it seems.. & to people I've hurt in the past (Jenner, Maggie, ETC), I hope I can repair any kind of damage I've done. So, with that.. I wish everybody luck in whatever endeavor they undergo, & that I hope to see them soon. I'll leave you kids with some quotes from my recent favorite, Bobby Zimmerman "Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands, With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves, Let me forget about today until tomorrow." "May youre hands always be busy; May your feet always be swift.. May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift. May your heart always stay jotful, May your songs always be sung- May you stay forever young." post comment

RANT #01 [30 Jun 2006|11:43am] 'Sup..!? Today was the last day of math for a week.. So now I'm going to Welfleet tomorrow with my mother, Sean, & Natalia for the week. Should be fun; we've been going since I was born & it'll give me some time to work on the upcoming movie. Uh- Just something that's been on my mind for a little while.. I was bored on my mind, so I was just doing whatever on JPo's myspace, & erm- All his friends are like neo nazis? Jonathan's a good kid & I like him a lot, but.. These kids have pictures of people hanging minorities on their 'space, end every comment with 'white power', & have all this German shit on their page? Honestly, if somebody IS rascist, I won't really just accept that, but I wouldn't go to tell people like, "You're pretty ignorant for that" or whatever.. People will be how they are, you know? But, I think it's a completely new thing, so-to-speak, when they're just.. I dunno, all out about it? I know for a fact that some kids I talk to (Not kids who are really in my little group) are rascist, but.. At least they know not to go around flaunting the shit when I'm around, 'cause I try not to be predujice in any shape or form, but.. Why would you even look up to Hitler & all of the Nazis anyway?.. The man was a coward lmfao. Shot himself & Eva 'cause they were gonna get captured. I'm not trying to be introspective, deep, or anything.. It just kind of bugged me that these kids are so fucking weird, so.. Just gettin' it off my chest. Kids like that should be slapped or shot :o). post comment

Kind of odd..? [29 Jun 2006|07:16pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Well, Alex just showed up at my place & he played some guitar for a while. Just 'shot the shit' or whatever.. I really like Alex.. He's a good kid. Hah, he's always sort of like.. I dunno, the messanger of people talking shit? Or something. I guess all year Chris Blinn & his pal Shaughn hated me rofl. I was nice to them all year (Well, I didn't have a problem with Shaughn.. Never really got along with Chris).. But, if someone doesn't like someone else, why not just tell them you have a problem, right? I guess, in one way, it doesn't really bother me TOO much because that thing basically happened all freshman year with him, but during sophomore year I at least TRIED to be nice.. Looking back I made many friends this year, & I'm at a point where I've never had this many.. So.. I guess it doesn't matter. Still, people can be so weak sometimes. Step your shit up & confront me you talentless shit. One love. post comment

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